Old Soviet Union Jokes

A bunch of links to some old jokes by and from the USSR

What do you call a Soviet quartet that goes abroad? A trio.

A Frenchman, a Brit, and a Russian are admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden. The Frenchman says, "they must be French, they're naked and they're eating fruit." The Englishman says, "clearly they're English. Observe how politely the man is offering the woman the fruit." The Russian notes, "they are Russian of course. They have nothing to wear, nothing to eat, and they think they are in paradise."

Stalin was having a meeting in his office with the Central Committee one afternoon. After they all left, he realized that his pipe was missing. He called Beria and told him to question every member of the Committee about his pipe. The next day, Stalin found his pipe and called Beria to tell him to stop the questioning. Upon hearing this, Beria answered, "I am sorry Comrade Stalin but half of the Committee already admitted to taking the pipe, and the other half died during questioning."

Why is communism superior to capitalism? Because it heroically overcomes problems that do not exist in any other system.

Specifically the batch from Andrew Pavelyev, who grew up in the old Soviet Union, is quite funny.
They require a bit more knowledge of Soviet politics and are more inward sensing.

I heard this one shortly after Brezhnev's death (which was a joyous occasion for us because it meant three days off school for official mourning):
Andropov is asked "Yuri Vladimirovich, what if people don't follow you?" He replies "Then they'll follow Brezhnev."

Back in the late 70's my mother told me one from the early 60's, on how Soviet media covers events:
At a summit JFK offered to race Khrushchev and, being much younger and fitter, outran him. The next day the Soviet newspapers reported: "There was a racing competition yesterday which included participation by preeminent world leaders Nikita Khrushchev and John F. Kennedy. Khrushchev came in second. Kennedy was next to last."

Finally, one from the late 80's:
Gorbachev is desperate about the condition of the Soviet Union and begs Stalin for advice. Stalin offers a plan: "Shoot all dissenters, deport a couple of small nations to Siberia and paint the Kazan rail station in Moscow blue." Gorbachev asks "Why repaint the station building?!" Stalin smiles "I'm glad that you have no questions about the other items."

I prefer this style as they're from inside the USSR and use the black and dry Russian humor, what one would expect from living under such a sytem.